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LIVING WITH DYING

	Information about 'Living with Dying'
April Newcomb	Learn about April's Book: 'Living with Dying'
	Read Extracts from April's Book: 'Living with Dying'
	Purchase April's Book: 'Living with Dying'

There can be very few in Western Society who can hold no apprehension about dying. Even more, most of us are concerned about the process of dying, often as much as the final extinction of life. All of us know full well that the end must come, with whatever lies beyond.

According to their personal beliefs, most people can ultimately reconcile themselves to acceptance of what lies beyond, perhaps especially those who believe that they have genuinely live a good and honest life. Adjusting mentally to the sure and certain knowledge of an inexorable decline towards death, with the progressive and predictable loss of one’s physical faculties, is a different matter.

The prospect conjures up dread in most of us. Although the path is well trodden, sign posts are few Living With Dying is a poignant account of each day’s journey along this path for one brave woman with an incurable disease known as motor neurone disease. That said, the book is much more than a personal account of one person’s attempt to find sufficient inner peace and strength to cope with the clear, full advance knowledge of death. The underlying issues are similar for sufferers of any incurable disease, and the lessons are perhaps just as important for those of us who are presently untroubled by the imminent prospect of death.

This one sill had not sunk in. Physically, I felt all right, I looked all right, I had no particular pain, apart from my back, which had ached on and off for months; I was not missing anything important, I thought, as I sipped my drink. Yet I knew subconsciously that this was the big one - the one I could never expect to compensate for, rectify, talk down, ignore, get over. This was the end of the line, the one I had to face alone, live with as it killed me.

‘Is one’s death sentence the worst news one can hear? I pondered. As a Christian I was not meant to think so, nor did I, for death is the one certainty every living creature can rely on (‘and taxes, ‘ say the cynics).` It is usually the hardest news for most of us to ac kept, because it is inevitably accompanied by fear of the unknown, of losing control over our lives, of pain and loss - often loss of what we hold dearest in life, very often by loss of hope.

’I know all these things intellectually, but I did not yet feel any of the emotions’. Just as I had never asked, ‘Why me?’ when extra good things had come my way, I did not ask, ‘Why me?’ over this. Rather, I asked, ‘Why now?’ I felt desperately puzzled about what I could have been doing wrong with my life for it to be changing so dramatically for the worse. I felt crushed and terribly alone.

 Those few days taught me three valuable lessons:

• be positive and try o appreciate each day fully.
• make decisions and take charge, rather than fall into self pity or blame others.
• enjoy the comfort of having good friends. An old saying puts it aptly for the sick, ‘A faithful friend is the medicine of life.’
• go where you feel wanted.

I have in. ‘you win,’ I told God grudgingly. ‘I can’t be bothered about all this any longer. I want to enjoy the rest of my active life.’ I did not hear the angels singing, nor did a rainbow cross the sky, but I swear I heard God laughing at my ungracious acceptance of Him.

That day was turning point. Now I could see how easy it was to start giving up things, once I stopped clinging to anger or seeking someone to blame. By then my heart was in it, thanks to some guidance and encouragement. I knew there would be many more black days to come, but that was the day I resolved always to look towards the sunshine and leave the shadows behind. Some of last ear had apparently been wasted, but that had ceased to matter.

‘Dear Bill,’ I said sincerely, ‘You are what friends are all about. I would have had to invent you if you hadn’t already existed.’ It was true. Like talking to one’s doll or imaginary friend as a child, I would have had to invent someone who could see life through my eyes, if a real person had not become available on this trip. Most people have no idea how desperate the news of having a terminal disease makes sufferers feel, until we can work out a philosophy that allows us to come to terms with death. I was lucky indeed to be able to work this through with someone intelligent and sensitive, who had not been too closely in my life previously. He had seen my problems more objectively.

 I hugged him and felt terribly sad as we started waltzing slowly around for the last dance. I owed him so much. But I did not expect we would ever me again. I would miss his caring and companionship. However confident I felt, it would be hard to be on my own again.

When we’re feeling low, it’s comforting to blame others’ imagined defects. It takes courage to face reality and get rid of our own negative attitudes. I had warned myself against falling into this trap, when so many had been bitter about it during my hospital visits. Yet here I was, still a paid up member of the victims’ club. I had to cancel my subscription and resign immediately.

We all have to meet our God. It is better not to be loaded up with excess luggage when we arrive. The weight might drag us down in the wrong direction. Angels travel lightly.

I am thankful I had the chance of returning to London. I needed to relive old memories, bury the past without regret and enjoy new experiences. While I was there, I realized that Scripture is right. We are not given more suffering than we can bear, providing we utilize the strengths we have been given.

It is always comforting, later in life, to e able to reminisce with friends of our youth, people who knew our parents and ourselves as children, maybe even some of our parents’ friends, who might remember our grandparents. In this way we link the past with the future, learn to accept the continuity of life and our own passing role in the scheme of things.

We must accept ourselves, set our goals within our natures’ limitations. We cannot be what we are not.

The months have passed far better than I could have imagined. I became absorbed, to the exclusion of almost everything else. Physically, it punished me, but it gave me something worthwhile to get up for every morning. I was amazed to find myself enjoying life. Being given warning of one’s demise is no bad thing. We are all going to die sometime. We who get advance notice can spend the remaining time fruitfully.

Musing over the few notes I made of daily events and feelings was therapeutic. Hindsight offered some insights. I was able to race a recurring flow of negative reactions, and realize how difficult it is to shake off the victim mentality. I still have to work hard on junking excess luggage.

I realized how important and positive my two trips were for me. One brought hope, the other, reassurance. Everyone benefits from an R & R break, after shock or grief or loss. The best results come only when we feel positive about seeing future life from a new perspective. My visit to England helped me find my true identity and accept the reality of my mortality.

More information about Living with Dying is available online at: AllAdvantage.com